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Woody Allen Quotes


Famous Quotes & Quotations By Woody Allen:

As the poet said, "only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: God, Trees.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Comedy.

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Sex.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Success.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Sex.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Selections from the Allen Notebooks, Without Feathers, 1975 - Category: God.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Laughter.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Love, Wives.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Choice, Comedy.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: College, Philosophy.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Food.

I'm strictly heterosexual. But bisexuality does double your chances for a date on Saturday night.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Bisexuality.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Love, Sex.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Money.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing "Embraceable You" in spats.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Nature, Trees.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Sex, Smoking.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Men, Sex, Women.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Sex.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Sex.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
~ Woody Allen Quotes, Getting Even, 1973 - Category: Clothes, Skirts.

Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.
~ Woody Allen Quotes, My Speech to the Graduates, Side Effects, 1980 - Category: Life, Opportunity.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Vices.

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
~ Woody Allen Quotes - Category: Dieting.

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